Failures of the Lost

What is it about these June pregnancies? *sigh*

I've been thinking a lot about my earlier blog post from last November about hope. Phil and Christy had that beautifully healthy little baby and honored my wife and I by asking us to be Anna's godparents. Poor little Anna is just past 8 months old now and is miserably cutting teeth. Poor thing :(

And somewhere in all this, my wife and I have tried to have our third. Tried and failed.

Twice.

Two miscarriages. Two failed implantations. The best the OB can give is "bad stuff". What the heck does that mean? Does the sperm have a criminal record and is thus doomed to fail? Do the eggs have issues with self-worth and self-esteem and give up before they've had any real chance to succeed? There doesn't appear to be anything physically wrong with either of us (except that I'm old and fat).

So do we keep trying? Where is my sermon on hope now that I need it? Where is my faith now when the random emotional breakdowns come from nowhere and disrupt my safe little cozy life?

Sadly, I don't know. I've been working too much to tell you. 55 hours one week. 65 the next. 75 the next. Since February. And no real break in sight. Supposedly it's earned me a promotion but I wonder if that's just a gateway into more of the same. Odd that I would choose to see Adam Sandler's movie Click in the middle of all this. The last place I expected to find a wake-up call to my life was an Adam Sandler movie!

Family Force 5 has been a bright spot though. Sometimes I crank up FF5 in the car on the way home so loud that the tires rattle. And it takes a lot to make tires rattle. I should add them to my player here on the blog. *shrug* Maybe later.

So, with no more answers than I started, I'll leave. No meaningful homilies today. No words of hope and wisdom for the masses. No annoyingly profound messages to salve the tormented consciences of my non-existant readers. I'm human too and subject to fatigue and despair.

Why despair? Because my prayer life sucks. I know the answer to this problem just as I know the answer to my obesity. I just haven't found the will to do anything abut either. I have chosen not to pray just as I have chosen not to jog. I have chosen not to read my Bible just as I have chosen not to eat healthier foods. Because I'm lazy and apathetic.

Disappointed? *nod* You should be. I know I am.