You know, I can't figure out if I'm disappointed or relieved that no one reads this blog. But I suppose that's what we all feel. I pour my deepest, darkest fears out to the world here - where anyone and everyone can read them. That release is cathartic and terrifying at the same time. The power I give others with knowledge of my weaknesses. But it doesn't matter. It appears I'm all alone in this little corner of the Internet universe. Lonely but safe.
Creeping up on another Christmas. Basketball has been good. The other coach has kept his word. More than kept his word. And I think the difference in the team is obvious. They may not take the court with the determination to move mountains, but neither do they cower in fear of making the slightest mistake. We are 3-0 so far. I wonder if we'll face a real challenge before we head to Lafayette in February and have our backsides handed to us.
In the meantime, if I don't see the inside of another airplane for a year it will be too soon. 4 trips in 8 weeks just about killed me. Liz may have actually died a little. California, Minnesota, Germany, and New York in October and November. Gracious. Other than a day trip to Indianapolis sometime soon, hopefully I won't have to climb into another plane until my next planned trip to California in February. That will make two consecutive Valentine's Days in California. How wrong.
I'm not sure I have quite the joy to play The Elf like I have in the past, but I'm not dreading it either. This week and next week are elf weeks, so I just need to get on with it, I guess.
I wonder if I can set something up after New Years to deal with my conflict issues. I've felt much more empowered since the crisis that drove my last blog entry, but I know it's a shallow empowerment. I know that the next real conflict I face will put me right back into my shell of cowardice and shame. It's oh-so-easy to ignore these things and think that maybe they've gone away. But then they come back and cripple you when you need strength the most and the cycle starts over. Except this time you have the added failure of having planned to do something and not getting it done. Last time I looked into my mental health benefits offered by my insurance, they only covered the sessions if the problem was one that fit into one of their ridiculously pigeon-holed categories. At the time, I was looking for something on anger management. That wasn't covered. Depression was, though, so I just said my anger management issues were making me depressed and I was good to go. *roll eyes* Absurd. I would hazard a guess that psychological crippling due to conflict in a man is not covered since, scouring the Internet, it's clearly not a problem for anyone but me.
Yeah, right.
So I guess I claim it's depressing me again and get on with it. What a stupid game.
I've flirted with the idea of creating a web domain dedicated to guys with fear of conflict. Problem is that I'm convinced no one would show up. And I wouldn't know what to say. And I'd just screw up and mismanage it like I have with the TBR and RA forums because I don't have the time or motivation to make it meaningful.
Wow. In a mere three sentences I've managed to talk myself out of yet another meaningful way to help others. Brilliant.
Hmmm....maybe that means it's lunch time and I can focus on the one thing I do really really well. Eat.
