You know, I can't figure out if I'm disappointed or relieved that no one reads this blog. But I suppose that's what we all feel. I pour my deepest, darkest fears out to the world here - where anyone and everyone can read them. That release is cathartic and terrifying at the same time. The power I give others with knowledge of my weaknesses. But it doesn't matter. It appears I'm all alone in this little corner of the Internet universe. Lonely but safe.
Creeping up on another Christmas. Basketball has been good. The other coach has kept his word. More than kept his word. And I think the difference in the team is obvious. They may not take the court with the determination to move mountains, but neither do they cower in fear of making the slightest mistake. We are 3-0 so far. I wonder if we'll face a real challenge before we head to Lafayette in February and have our backsides handed to us.
In the meantime, if I don't see the inside of another airplane for a year it will be too soon. 4 trips in 8 weeks just about killed me. Liz may have actually died a little. California, Minnesota, Germany, and New York in October and November. Gracious. Other than a day trip to Indianapolis sometime soon, hopefully I won't have to climb into another plane until my next planned trip to California in February. That will make two consecutive Valentine's Days in California. How wrong.
I'm not sure I have quite the joy to play The Elf like I have in the past, but I'm not dreading it either. This week and next week are elf weeks, so I just need to get on with it, I guess.
I wonder if I can set something up after New Years to deal with my conflict issues. I've felt much more empowered since the crisis that drove my last blog entry, but I know it's a shallow empowerment. I know that the next real conflict I face will put me right back into my shell of cowardice and shame. It's oh-so-easy to ignore these things and think that maybe they've gone away. But then they come back and cripple you when you need strength the most and the cycle starts over. Except this time you have the added failure of having planned to do something and not getting it done. Last time I looked into my mental health benefits offered by my insurance, they only covered the sessions if the problem was one that fit into one of their ridiculously pigeon-holed categories. At the time, I was looking for something on anger management. That wasn't covered. Depression was, though, so I just said my anger management issues were making me depressed and I was good to go. *roll eyes* Absurd. I would hazard a guess that psychological crippling due to conflict in a man is not covered since, scouring the Internet, it's clearly not a problem for anyone but me.
Yeah, right.
So I guess I claim it's depressing me again and get on with it. What a stupid game.
I've flirted with the idea of creating a web domain dedicated to guys with fear of conflict. Problem is that I'm convinced no one would show up. And I wouldn't know what to say. And I'd just screw up and mismanage it like I have with the TBR and RA forums because I don't have the time or motivation to make it meaningful.
Wow. In a mere three sentences I've managed to talk myself out of yet another meaningful way to help others. Brilliant.
Hmmm....maybe that means it's lunch time and I can focus on the one thing I do really really well. Eat.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Basketball - Season 4
You know, August 10 really wasn't that long ago, but it feels like forever since that last blog post.
Summer is way over. The kids are in school. Josh has not only started his fall soccer, he's almost done with it. The travel mayhem has started again.
Oh, and basketball has come again. My fourth season as a coach.
Last season was difficult. And this season started with deep, overwhelming fear. Last year, the head coach and I had some significantly different approaches to motivation. I felt mine was positive while his was negative. The Bobby Knight approach to coaching just doesn't work on 12-14 year old boys. Coaching through fear, intimidation, humiliation, and the occasional physical altercation did some things to me that brought my own childhood back with frightening clarity.
I might have been a 34-year old man standing there during last year's practices with a whistle around my neck, but every discourtesy done during those practices opened up the mind of a terrified 10-year-old boy facing a father with a very long fuse, but no control when the fuse burned out. I was transported back to those incidents that left such deep scars when my father yelled at me and told me how worthless I was and left me broken, physically and psychologically, on the floor of my room. And my mother stayed silent and out of the way. And here again I was, standing in the gym, watching my father wearing another man's face do the things my father did. And, like my mother, I stood there silent.
Over the last year, I have thought about those basketball practices over and over. Like every man terrified of conflict, I played the conflict fantasies through in my mind - what I wish I had done, confronting the other coach with my anger and my courage. But it all stays in my head. Because while I have the anger, I don't have the courage. I never have. Even now, as a grown man, personal conflict makes me start to cry. Really cry. And the shame is unbearable.
So, this past Monday morning, I woke at 4am and my mind was on the first day of practice. And the stress was unbelievable. Can I do this again? Can I stand by and watch these young men be ripped apart and left to die?
Do I have a choice since I don't have the courage to stop it? Where do I draw the line between protecting my players and respecting the authority of the head coach? Do I have the guts to step in front of him and tell him to stop in the middle of practice in front of the players knowing that the chances are my chin will start to quiver and my breathing will become ragged?
No. I can't do that. I can't take that much shame.
So I have to do something now. Before it happens again. Before the visions of a broken boy become so overwhelming again that I find myself once again huddled in a corner seeing the shade of my father and his belt looming over me.
And I did. And, what a relief, he listened and admitted that he wants to be different this year. And I even told him that he can't manhandle them that way. He looked at me in clear disbelief that this was an issue, but he must not know. He must not know how dirty and guilty and worthless being touched like that makes people feel. He must not know the despair of not having a safe place. But he said OK.
And I didn't cry. I didn't even come close.
But I still need help. I've spent the last 25 years like this and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being terrorized by intimidating people. I'm tired of only expressing my opinion in the safety of my own mind. I'm tired of the fear that overwhelms me every time I see injustice. And I'm really really tired of staring into the eyes of a coward every morning in the mirror.
But worst of all, I see the same cowardice in the small eyes of my children when they look at me. I have taken my lack of control and imposed it upon them. I have taken away their opportunity for healthy conflict and replaced it with authoritarian discipline. And now the guilt of who I've become wars with the shame of who I've always been.
I can't be alone, can I? Am I the only man out there afraid of his own shadow? Am I the only man living passive-aggressive fantasies? The women support each other, but we men can't face the shame. But shame or not, I refuse to turn my kids into this. Let them shell out the cash for therapy when they are 25, but not because their father turned them into cowards.
Not that. Never that.
Summer is way over. The kids are in school. Josh has not only started his fall soccer, he's almost done with it. The travel mayhem has started again.
Oh, and basketball has come again. My fourth season as a coach.
Last season was difficult. And this season started with deep, overwhelming fear. Last year, the head coach and I had some significantly different approaches to motivation. I felt mine was positive while his was negative. The Bobby Knight approach to coaching just doesn't work on 12-14 year old boys. Coaching through fear, intimidation, humiliation, and the occasional physical altercation did some things to me that brought my own childhood back with frightening clarity.
I might have been a 34-year old man standing there during last year's practices with a whistle around my neck, but every discourtesy done during those practices opened up the mind of a terrified 10-year-old boy facing a father with a very long fuse, but no control when the fuse burned out. I was transported back to those incidents that left such deep scars when my father yelled at me and told me how worthless I was and left me broken, physically and psychologically, on the floor of my room. And my mother stayed silent and out of the way. And here again I was, standing in the gym, watching my father wearing another man's face do the things my father did. And, like my mother, I stood there silent.
Over the last year, I have thought about those basketball practices over and over. Like every man terrified of conflict, I played the conflict fantasies through in my mind - what I wish I had done, confronting the other coach with my anger and my courage. But it all stays in my head. Because while I have the anger, I don't have the courage. I never have. Even now, as a grown man, personal conflict makes me start to cry. Really cry. And the shame is unbearable.
So, this past Monday morning, I woke at 4am and my mind was on the first day of practice. And the stress was unbelievable. Can I do this again? Can I stand by and watch these young men be ripped apart and left to die?
Do I have a choice since I don't have the courage to stop it? Where do I draw the line between protecting my players and respecting the authority of the head coach? Do I have the guts to step in front of him and tell him to stop in the middle of practice in front of the players knowing that the chances are my chin will start to quiver and my breathing will become ragged?
No. I can't do that. I can't take that much shame.
So I have to do something now. Before it happens again. Before the visions of a broken boy become so overwhelming again that I find myself once again huddled in a corner seeing the shade of my father and his belt looming over me.
And I did. And, what a relief, he listened and admitted that he wants to be different this year. And I even told him that he can't manhandle them that way. He looked at me in clear disbelief that this was an issue, but he must not know. He must not know how dirty and guilty and worthless being touched like that makes people feel. He must not know the despair of not having a safe place. But he said OK.
And I didn't cry. I didn't even come close.
But I still need help. I've spent the last 25 years like this and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being terrorized by intimidating people. I'm tired of only expressing my opinion in the safety of my own mind. I'm tired of the fear that overwhelms me every time I see injustice. And I'm really really tired of staring into the eyes of a coward every morning in the mirror.
But worst of all, I see the same cowardice in the small eyes of my children when they look at me. I have taken my lack of control and imposed it upon them. I have taken away their opportunity for healthy conflict and replaced it with authoritarian discipline. And now the guilt of who I've become wars with the shame of who I've always been.
I can't be alone, can I? Am I the only man out there afraid of his own shadow? Am I the only man living passive-aggressive fantasies? The women support each other, but we men can't face the shame. But shame or not, I refuse to turn my kids into this. Let them shell out the cash for therapy when they are 25, but not because their father turned them into cowards.
Not that. Never that.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Summer in, Summer Out...
And there it goes.
OK, I know it's not even mid-August yet, but it's close enough. The kids only have one more week off before school starts. I have to admit, I'm really not looking forward to the whole drive a bazillion miles a week thing again.
Sooo.... let's see how the summer stacked up to my expectations:
- Baby
Hard to put this one off. Our little Caleb David was born on July 12. He was 6 pounds, 15 oz and 20.5" long. Little compared to the first two. We're still not getting any sleep.
- Phil and Christy's baby
They couldn't put theirs off any more than we could ours. Joelle showed up 2 days before Caleb. Caleb and Joelle are already betrothed.
- Paying off the minivan
I wish I could enjoy this, but the obscene jump in school tuition took all this money away. At least I don't have to pay both. *sigh*
- Paying off the last student loan
Don't think this one's gonna happen this year. Maybe next year.
- Golf
Much less than I hoped. I finally got my first 18 in yesterday. August 9. And not one outing with Phil. *depressed*
- My son in his first soccer season
This was kinda cool. The team wasn't very good, but that didn't matter much. Josh finally, in the last three games, seemed to get into it. We've got him signed up for the fall too.
- New CD from 12 Stones
Still officially waiting. Though my friendly neighborhood torrent site has eased that pain somewhat. And yes, I have paid for the CD. Pre-order. I'll get it next week, I think.
- Cool new music from other Christian artists, known and unknown
This didn't really pan out. TBR is still the newest artist. Since I can't get any Christian radio at work, I can't discover anyone new :(
- Turning 35
Another thing that couldn't be avoided. Oh well. It's still not 40.
- Travel to New York, California, and anywhere else they ship me
A couple of NY trips. Nowhere else. It could have been a lot worse.
- Dealing with unreasonable people
Like this is ever going to go away *roll eyes*
- Paying a bunch of money for 2 kids in private school
Urgh. This still gives me heartburn the middle of every month.
- Refinancing my house
Turns out, my calendar was off. My 5/1 ARM isn't up until next summer. Yay!
So there it is. My golf game was mediocre at best. I started some websites to host fan forums for This Beautiful Republic and Radial Angel, but I haven't put the time into them to make them anything special so they have just kind of floundered.
*sigh* And here's the annoying part. Lovely bride just stopped in to say "baby's asleep". This means we both need to drop everything we're doing and try to hurry up and get to sleep. Because we're not gonna get much so we'd better grab whatever we can.
So, off to dreamland for a few minutes. Hopefully something substantive later. Like my displeasure with the standard Christian views about Harry Potter...
OK, I know it's not even mid-August yet, but it's close enough. The kids only have one more week off before school starts. I have to admit, I'm really not looking forward to the whole drive a bazillion miles a week thing again.
Sooo.... let's see how the summer stacked up to my expectations:
- Baby
Hard to put this one off. Our little Caleb David was born on July 12. He was 6 pounds, 15 oz and 20.5" long. Little compared to the first two. We're still not getting any sleep.
- Phil and Christy's baby
They couldn't put theirs off any more than we could ours. Joelle showed up 2 days before Caleb. Caleb and Joelle are already betrothed.
- Paying off the minivan
I wish I could enjoy this, but the obscene jump in school tuition took all this money away. At least I don't have to pay both. *sigh*
- Paying off the last student loan
Don't think this one's gonna happen this year. Maybe next year.
- Golf
Much less than I hoped. I finally got my first 18 in yesterday. August 9. And not one outing with Phil. *depressed*
- My son in his first soccer season
This was kinda cool. The team wasn't very good, but that didn't matter much. Josh finally, in the last three games, seemed to get into it. We've got him signed up for the fall too.
- New CD from 12 Stones
Still officially waiting. Though my friendly neighborhood torrent site has eased that pain somewhat. And yes, I have paid for the CD. Pre-order. I'll get it next week, I think.
- Cool new music from other Christian artists, known and unknown
This didn't really pan out. TBR is still the newest artist. Since I can't get any Christian radio at work, I can't discover anyone new :(
- Turning 35
Another thing that couldn't be avoided. Oh well. It's still not 40.
- Travel to New York, California, and anywhere else they ship me
A couple of NY trips. Nowhere else. It could have been a lot worse.
- Dealing with unreasonable people
Like this is ever going to go away *roll eyes*
- Paying a bunch of money for 2 kids in private school
Urgh. This still gives me heartburn the middle of every month.
- Refinancing my house
Turns out, my calendar was off. My 5/1 ARM isn't up until next summer. Yay!
So there it is. My golf game was mediocre at best. I started some websites to host fan forums for This Beautiful Republic and Radial Angel, but I haven't put the time into them to make them anything special so they have just kind of floundered.
*sigh* And here's the annoying part. Lovely bride just stopped in to say "baby's asleep". This means we both need to drop everything we're doing and try to hurry up and get to sleep. Because we're not gonna get much so we'd better grab whatever we can.
So, off to dreamland for a few minutes. Hopefully something substantive later. Like my displeasure with the standard Christian views about Harry Potter...
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Is this place still here?
Wow. Been a while, hasn't it?
Winter is finally on its way out. I think. This is northern Indiana though and the general rule is that spring can't start until it snows in April. 5 weeks until the start of the golf season, though. I am so ready.
What happened this winter?
My sister-in-law, Diana, was diagnosed with cancer last fall. Right about the time I posted my last blog entry. She's spent all winter fighting it. Tough times for my brother and his family. Lots of worry but at the same time I get to figure out how to approach it. I've talked to my brother a couple of times, but it's clear he's not real comfortable talking about things. Honestly, I guess I'm not either. What do you say to your brother when his wife is critically ill?
Um, what else?
Well, our friends Phil and Christy (mentioned in a blog entry some time back) are expecting their 5th. Another girl. Just as well, I suppose. Putting a boy into that house would totally mess up their family mojo. A baby girl amongst boys is a princess. A baby boy amongst girls is a disaster.
And speaking of baby boys, we have our own coming in July. I guess I'd better get my golf in by the end of June because spare time is gonna be in short supply after that. 2 adults, 3 kids, and a dog in a 900 sq. ft. ranch house on a slab. With one toilet. Man, I gotta find a bigger house soon.
Another basketball season passed. It wasn't the same. I lost those 8th graders I loved so much last year. And I just didn't gel with this team the same way. And I don't think I can be an assistant to this year's coach again. I just can't watch him destroy those boys anymore. Hopefully God gives me some real direction for next year. And hopefully that doesn't include having to tell him just how I feel and precipitating a conflict with someone who intimidates me.
Wow. You'd think after 25 years of that fear I'd have found a way over it. I wish.
I got my promotion at the beginning of the year. It didn't bring the money with it I expected, but I was foolish to have hope it would. All it's really gotten me is a lot more travel. Mostly to New York. The family is adjusting fairly well, though.
I thought about putting up a rant about something the lead singer of MercyMe said at a concert here recently, but I'll save that for another time. Maybe.
So, welcome to 2007. Things to look forward to this year:
- Baby
- Phil and Christy's baby
- Paying off the minivan
- Paying off the last student loan
- Golf
- My son in his first soccer season
- New CD from 12 Stones
- Cool new music from other Christian artists, known and unknown
Things to moderately dread this year:
- Turning 35
- Travel to New York, California, and anywhere else they ship me
- Dealing with unreasonable people
- Paying a bunch of money for 2 kids in private school
- Refinancing my house
I'm sure there will be more to add later.
I should really update my music player. Some new Skillet. Red. This Beautiful Republic. New Seventh Day Slumber.
Winter is finally on its way out. I think. This is northern Indiana though and the general rule is that spring can't start until it snows in April. 5 weeks until the start of the golf season, though. I am so ready.
What happened this winter?
My sister-in-law, Diana, was diagnosed with cancer last fall. Right about the time I posted my last blog entry. She's spent all winter fighting it. Tough times for my brother and his family. Lots of worry but at the same time I get to figure out how to approach it. I've talked to my brother a couple of times, but it's clear he's not real comfortable talking about things. Honestly, I guess I'm not either. What do you say to your brother when his wife is critically ill?
Um, what else?
Well, our friends Phil and Christy (mentioned in a blog entry some time back) are expecting their 5th. Another girl. Just as well, I suppose. Putting a boy into that house would totally mess up their family mojo. A baby girl amongst boys is a princess. A baby boy amongst girls is a disaster.
And speaking of baby boys, we have our own coming in July. I guess I'd better get my golf in by the end of June because spare time is gonna be in short supply after that. 2 adults, 3 kids, and a dog in a 900 sq. ft. ranch house on a slab. With one toilet. Man, I gotta find a bigger house soon.
Another basketball season passed. It wasn't the same. I lost those 8th graders I loved so much last year. And I just didn't gel with this team the same way. And I don't think I can be an assistant to this year's coach again. I just can't watch him destroy those boys anymore. Hopefully God gives me some real direction for next year. And hopefully that doesn't include having to tell him just how I feel and precipitating a conflict with someone who intimidates me.
Wow. You'd think after 25 years of that fear I'd have found a way over it. I wish.
I got my promotion at the beginning of the year. It didn't bring the money with it I expected, but I was foolish to have hope it would. All it's really gotten me is a lot more travel. Mostly to New York. The family is adjusting fairly well, though.
I thought about putting up a rant about something the lead singer of MercyMe said at a concert here recently, but I'll save that for another time. Maybe.
So, welcome to 2007. Things to look forward to this year:
- Baby
- Phil and Christy's baby
- Paying off the minivan
- Paying off the last student loan
- Golf
- My son in his first soccer season
- New CD from 12 Stones
- Cool new music from other Christian artists, known and unknown
Things to moderately dread this year:
- Turning 35
- Travel to New York, California, and anywhere else they ship me
- Dealing with unreasonable people
- Paying a bunch of money for 2 kids in private school
- Refinancing my house
I'm sure there will be more to add later.
I should really update my music player. Some new Skillet. Red. This Beautiful Republic. New Seventh Day Slumber.
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